You can’t always get what you want
Sometimes, I know what I want with a vengeance.
Most of the time, I have no fucking clue.
This week was a week of multiple realizations. Chapters beginning and chapters ending. And chapters wafting around in limbo. I just wish I could skip to the last page.
You know how you get De ja Vou sometimes? I rely on that. Because the only way you can feel like something has happened before is when something already has. When I get De ja Vou, in that moment I feel like I am on the right track. Like fate is directing me, or like I am doing something right in this crazy thing called life. But who wants to do anything right? That would mean that there are rules, and decisions to be made. If decisions make up the foundation of our existence, I don’t want to decide anymore. Let me become another lazy leech of society. Let me be free.
That is what I want. To be free. To be free from waiting for the world to define my life. From day jobs, and lunch time and bedtime. From what I’m supposed to be for somebody else and from what I’m supposed to do as a 22 yr old female.
I want to be impulsive. I want to up and leave everything behind and discover the vast amount of earth most people never leave their hometowns for. I want to drive until I reach an ocean other than my own. I want to unearth a goldmine of self-discovery only another culture can make you realize. I want so goddamn much to throw caution into the wind and dance under a starry sky in an open field. But everything takes time, and there has to be “a time and place for everything.”
I contemplated deleting everything that connected me to the cyber-world today. It’s sad that on a beautiful day kids everywhere would rather stay in their living rooms staring at a computer screen. I’d rather waste my time painting a scene on the side of a road in the rain. But yet, here I am. Another entrapment.
I’ll admit it. I’m disappointed. In myself, people, the world. My motto has always been that “you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.” I want to believe it, but cynicism seems to be on my side. Or maybe I’m jaded. Or maybe I’m OD’ing on reality. It’s not always sunshine and promises. And people have their own hidden agendas. They are out for themselves and their own selfish desires. If there’s one thing the world needs more of is giving. Giving is karma, and what goes around comes around. If everyone just thought of someone else a little more, the world would be that much better of a place. Because smiles are contagious.
But It’s not about what I want.. It’s about what I need. and I have everything I’ll ever need. In my heart, in my soul, and in my backyard. And a smile for the rest of the world.